Thyself

I always find it really funny when I convince myself I don't know the answer to something.

For example, recently and almost constantly I battle with feeling weighed down, mentally confused and unfocused, fatigued, anxious and unsure; a number of things that signal to me that I am not in alignment. I go around like this for months like I don't know what my body needs, like I haven't played this level of tomb raider before and I still keep forgetting which direction to go to meet my next checkpoint.

Throughout my life I have gone through very heavy experiences that have forced me to pay attention to what my body is communicating to me. Feminine issues, skin issues, muscle weakness, digestion and gut issues, you name it. I recognize that my internal spirit is translating something through my body from what I feed it through my physical behaviors, mental behaviors and my surroundings like a continuous loop. If one part of my body is itchy I will have an answer as to why. Sometimes my body seems to communicate nothing at all, and in those moments I remember that no answer is an answer. Excuse the woowoo.

I've been back in forth in my diet knowing that I need to cut back on meat or stop eating meat altogether because I know how it makes me operate. When I have too much of it or when I'm not balanced enough to not feel the effects of bad practice I feel sluggish, mentally foggy, dull. I feel blessed to be in tune with my body in this way because it can save me money. Why would I pay someone for painkillers when I know chicken gives me migraines, baby, put the chicken down.

I convinced myself I didn't know why I was feeling so bad, why I was feeling so unlike myself. Why am I feeling so terrible when I'm working a job that makes me feel like I have a ball chain on my neck. Why am I feeling so tired when the only thing I make time for is sleeping, and naps. Why do I keep getting tonsil stones?! Why am I feeling so dull when I haven't eaten a green vegetable since I moved to this damn city!

And I would just continue to feed this miserable narrative of being out of control of myself. Going in circles through the forest, still avoiding the little lantern in the opposite direction. Wanting freedom, wanting better, wanting more but telling myself I didn't know how to get to that point.

The only reason these words are flowing out of my fingertips after months and months of wanting to publish something on this blog is because I accidentally fasted. I accidentally skipped eating one day in the midst of traveling, dealing with general anxiety, and recovering as excessive caffeine left my system. The next day I had so much energy, I went to the gym in a deficit. Definitely don't try this at home lol. And I've yet again gotten to my lantern, returning back to my sense of clarity in knowing what I need to do for my body and my spirit so that I can have a clear mind 80% of the time. I was gonna say that the other 20% could account for when I'm on my cycle, but during my cycle I am the clearest bitch you've ever seen, no confusion. So that 20% could just account for those times where I'm dealing with something else.

Anyway, the reason I have clarity after accidentally fasting, was because the food I had been eating was not giving me the vitality I needed and my body finally got the chance it needed to get it all out. Then when I went to the gym my body became more activated after doing cardio and waking my system up and burning the rest of that food off and now all the elevators are going to the top floor. There is a science to fasting and the benefits on your mental and physical health, please google it yourself.

What I needed to do was listen to my pain and allow it to lead me to my answer. Maybe I could have made the conscious choice to fast and give my system a reset, I've done it before. When I was feeling tied down I could have broken up the monotony and took a trip, or visited somewhere new. When I was feeling unfulfilled I could have done something that was more fulfilling to me, like eat a whole watermelon to myself. Or go to the movies by myself and get some alone time.

We really ought to give ourselves more credit. You (reader) are actually smarter than you think you are but for whatever reason you don't want to step into that responsibility, and playing dumb is just more comfortable. Let those old problems go and you will get the new answers I promise. Listening to ourselves comes easier at certain times in life based on how deeply attached we are to holding onto things that are not us, conditions, and behaviors that don't serve us. My spirit was like she is not hearing us at all, but it be like that sometimes. We learn it over and over until we get it right.

I'm elated. I'm never too far from where I want to be. Whenever I'm having a hard time I'm realizing I need to be there in that moment, because soon I'll be where I want to be. I'll be feeling how I want to feel, I'll be doing what I want to be doing for me. The answer is in the question sometimes. When you make life out to be rocket science it can be the most unfunny thing imaginable. It's not a rocket science life it's an apples and bananas life.

Remember the apples and bananas of your life. What makes you feel like you, what makes you remember you, what makes you feel healthy and good and well. Don't pay for things that you have growing on the trees in your backyard.